Sports, culture and shit, made in Canada.
Sports, culture and shit, made in Canada.
Illustration for article titled Your Best Pokémon Football Takes

Last night, I wrote something about Pokémon playing football. It seems you all had very serious opinions on the matter!


Here's a rough breakdown of the 168 (!) comments you left:

  • People who thought that my article - which, again, was about pet monsters from a children's video game playing professional football - didn't treat the subject with the seriousness it deserves.
  • Some post-Generation 1 truthers had the gall to namedrop Pokémon from beyond the first 150. You are all banned from the Pokémon Football League. I don't fuck around.
  • People submitting Pokémon rosters which were better than mine. It's true, the fact that I put in the same Pokémon type across multiple positions was mainly because I'm lazy, and Photoshop is hard when you're a little weeknight-drunk! That means that, as hard as it is to admit it, all of the specialized rosters you guys submitted were very good. I mean, some of them were shit, but most of them were teams that could fuck with the Patriots on any given Sunday.

With that in mind, let's highlights two actual good rosters that you guys submitted.

I've done the full Photoshop roster treatment for two of the commenters picked somewhat at random. (Also, neither of these comments called me a moron in their replies, so that's worth brownie points!) Since you commenters can't agree on much of anything, let's see if you'll agree on which of these two teams is better.


COACH #1: Arctic16

Here's commenter Arctic16, putting a lot of effort into a reply.


Arctic's got a whole justification for each position. Here's the offense:

Illustration for article titled Your Best Pokémon Football Takes

LT: Nidoking. Fast, agile, strong, big.

LG: Golem. Has the size and mobility to pull, but not the sheer athleticism of a tackle.

C: Blastoise. Smart, decisive, aggressive, and has the agility to pull and lead block in the Jason Kelce model.

RG: Kangaskhan. Same as Golem. I'd posit that you go with Kangaskhan for both guards if you like a lighter, faster offensive line. If you're into sheer size, you want Golem on both sides.

RT: Rhydon. A mauler in the run game, also has the size and speed to be a tackle, although not as fast as Nidoking, thus he lines up on the right.

QB: Mewtwo is perfect for all the reasons stated above. Dollars to donuts he'd get busted for using his psychic ability to fuck with the defensive playcalling. He'd be the perfect Patriot.

HB: Arcanine. He's perfect. Large, fast, aggressive, not scared of contact given his Takedown ability that also hurts him a bit. He'll go back in after a concussion and grind those yards out. Also, breathes fire. Backup is Rapidash.

FB: Graveler. You can put him in for short yardage, he can lead block, and can catch a pass out of the backfield on a checkdown if necessary. Tauros is an ideal fit at first glance, but he can't catch for shit.

WR: Dodrio. Fast as all fuck, has the size to jump for 50/50 balls, and has three heads with which to catch the ball. One head can be focused on the defender, one can be looking for the ball, and you still have an extra head to work with.

Slot WR: Haunter. Has the speed, agility, and elusiveness to work the middle of the field, and also has great hands. He will also poison anyone that tackles him, which is pretty legit.

TE: Electabuzz. Has a large frame with which to box out defenders, as well as speed given he's Electric-type. Finally, he has hands and long arms to stretch out for balls. I am, frankly, appalled at Nidoqueen at TE in the post. If you think Nidoqueen can run fast enough to be a Graham/Gronk type, you're out of your damn mind.


And Arctic's defense:

Illustration for article titled Your Best Pokémon Football Takes

DE: Machamp. He has the speed, size, and physicality to beat tackles, and as long as he sets the edge well and doesn't crash too much, he'll be great in run support given the has extra arms to tackle with regardless of whether or not he's being blocked. Also, more arms equals more batted down passes.

DT: Sandslash. He's big, but he can be fast. He'll hold the point of attack against a double team, but he can also turn into a giant ball of spikes and penetrate into the backfield if necessary. An unconventional choice, but I'm not looking for a Snorlax to just clog up the middle. I want my DTs to collapse the pocket and flush the QB to either side, where Machamp will be waiting.

MLB: Hypno. He has size, uses his arms well to wrap up, and is very smart. He'll make the defensive playcalls and check out of plays when necessary.

OLB: Primeape. He has the size and physicality to stop the run, but the agility to cover a TE when necessary. Given his speed, he will also blitz when necessary. All around very versatile player.

CB: Hitmonchan all day. He is large, will press at the line of scrimmage, and can run with any receiver. Boxing gloves might keep the overall number of interceptions low, but with coverage like that, who needs it?

Nickelback: Scyther. Supreme agility to cover slot receivers, can turn on a dime, and great closing speed for when the ball is in the air and the receiver has a step on him.

SS: Marowak. He will play the run in the box if necessary, or will fuck a receiver's day up if they go across the middle. Will defend passes with the bone club. Think Kam Chancellor.

FS: Ninetails. Your ballhawk. Size, speed, willing to tackle and above all, will play the ball in the air like no one's business.


COACH #2: Ravey Mayvey Slurpee Surprise

Ravey Mayvey Slurpee Surprise has quite the username (I mean, I should talk) and a solid team to boot. Their offense:

Illustration for article titled Your Best Pokémon Football Takes

QB: Still Mewtwo.

RB: Still Arcanine.

FB: Nidoking.

WR1: Jolteon.

WR2: Gengar.

TE: Dragonite.

LT: Rhydon.

LG: Blastoise.

C: Golem.

RG: Venusaur.

RT: Onix.

And on defense:

Illustration for article titled Your Best Pokémon Football Takes

DE: Rhyhorn.

NT: Snorlax. Or Vince Wilfork, they might both be interchangeable.

OLB: Machamp.

MLB: Charizard.

CB1: Alakazam. Dude isn't going to tackle anyways, might as well let him swat balls away while being fast enough to keep up with most.

CB2: Dodrio.

FS: Persian.

SS: Primeape.

So. Team Arctic vs. Team Ravey. Pokébowl I. Neutral field in Vermillion City.

Who've you got?

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