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Toronto Is, Apparently, The Best City In The World? Alright, Sure!

IMPORTANT NEWS: Noted investment-trader-spank-rag The Economist has declared Toronto the best city to live in the world! That is, uh... sure, OK!


The news of the study is being greeted by Torontonians the same way we greet all news: with a mix of ironic detachment and indifference.

The annual Economist Safe Cities Index, which takes into account everything from crime and housing to business development and democracy, put Toronto one spot ahead of eternal rival Montreal for the title of most livable city on Earth. Stockholm, Amsterdam and San Francisco rounded out the top five.

Vancouver, which never shuts the fuck up about the fact that they won an Economist "Most Livable City" title years ago, was not included in this particular listing. And that's fine by me! Ever since Vancouver got that title, it went to their rain-soaked heads. The official name of the city of Vancouver was briefly changed to "The City of Vancouver, which uhhh did you know was ranked as the most livable city in the world, BC" for a few years there. They put it on their business cards and shit. They snuck unhumblebraggy sentences like "Pretend, for a minute, that you're the sort of person who moves to a place because The Economist says it's the world's most livable city" into profiles about Roberto Luongo.

Well eat our fucking ass, Vancouver, with a side of your locally-sourced salmon profiteroles, right after waking up at 8 AM to go paddleboarding with some guy from your ukulele class. This is Toronto's time.


Getting back on track...

Other than the opportunity for some good-natured dick-waving at Vancouver, though? This title's being met with a wave of emotions ranging anywhere from apathy to mildly-snarky-apathy across Toronto. I surveyed three lifelong Torontonians about the news that they lived in the world's most livable city, and I got one throat-scoff, and two nose-snorts.


Why can't we just be proud? We beat out Stockholm, and Amsterdam, and Melbourne's dumb asses. Are we still a city with an inferiority complex so deeply beaten into our very souls that we can't express the human emotion of pride? Has Drake taught us nothing?

In any case, the next time you're driving from your shitty downtown internship, stuck on the Parkway sucking exhaust fumes in a maze of crypto-fascist grey condo developments as part of your commute that, according to one survey, is the longest in the world among major cities, and you're listening to talk radio in your car blabbing about your garbage fucking hockey team, all just to get back to your shitty bachelor apartment in midtown with no air conditioning above a Greek restaurant that you pay $950 a month for, driving past a bunch of Labatt 50-chugging, Don Cherry-watching yokels that voted for a Mayor that SMOKED FUCKING CRACK COCAINE WHILE USING RACIAL SLURS ON CAMERA AND WHO WAS STILL RE-ELECTED AS A FUCKING CITY COUNCILLOR - I mean, at least you can say to yourself "according to the Economist, I live in the most livable city on Earth."

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