Look at that face. Look at the goddamn face of Astros outfielder Colby Rasmus. Let it sink into your retinas. Think about this photo. Let Colby Rasmus’ whole fucked up vibe be the only thing you think about when you sleep at night.
Look, there’s just no other way of saying this, but Colby, my dude: you look like a dejected alpaca auditioning for the role of a Sergio Leone villain.
I found this interview that Rasmus did with WRBL - Columbus, GA, talking with a group of schoolkids about how he turned his career around. (Spoiler Alert: if you were wondering what triggered his “life transformation”, well, a new-found vegan diet and daily yoga regimen has made Rasmus-... naaah, just fucking with you. It’s Jesus.)
Rasmus seems like a nice guy and it’s great that he’s getting his life on track, but that’s not what we’re here to talk about. Let’s just stop for a moment and look at this man. The huge black cowboy hat, the billowing hair, the beard growing out entirely from under his chin, the eyes, the plaid shirt buttoned all the way to the top, all of this. Take in this whole beautiful package.
There’s no other way of saying this: my dude’s out here looking like he works at a Blockbuster staffed only by Confederate Civil War generals.
Let’s be honest with ourselves and say what we’re all thinking. Colby Rasmus looks like a child raised by a pack of coyotes at birth, and that child became a homeless bluegrass fiddler.
He is straight-up looking like a cartoon basset hound dressed up as Stevie Ray Vaughan.
Let’s look at that photo one more time:
My God. Colby Rasmus is in front of the whole world looking like the early-90s version of The Undertaker joined Brooks & Dunn.
Colby Rasmus is seriously out here looking like character actor Vincent Schiavelli playing the role of a witness on CSI: Swamp.
I didn’t even know 19th-century Yukon gold prospectors were eligible to enter the X-Games, but here we are.
Colby, my man, you look like a child’s drawing of Sad Jesus.
You look like Dave Grohl’s truck-driving cousin moved to Ireland to become a leprechaun.
I love this man.